A part of the reason I started blogging was to give me the opportunity to speak to an online and open community about things I enjoy. I’ve held back for a very long time for a number of reasons, some I spoke about in one of my blog posts – Self Confidence.
Deep down I am a very creative person, I love to write – and to express my ideas and feelings through this medium, on topics I feel so passionately for.
Throughout my journey, there are still things I struggle with, and for this reason I tend to hold back. I have gained so much more confidence over the years, but I still struggle to fully open up sometimes.
I am a friendly, warm person, I love to meet new people, I love to learn about different cultures, I am very curious about the world, and that’s part of the reason why I love to travel so much. And as I continue on this Journey, I meet so many people that offer so much to my life. Some that I am so grateful, and will be eternally grateful for, others maybe not so much. But that is all part of life, and I believe everything, good or bad teaches you something.
I always wonder whether to talk about topics like this to such an open audience, for fear of – judgement, which again I have previously spoken about. But I think it’s important to let these things out sometimes, and to let people know how you feel, so others can also relate and take advice from what you offer.
When it comes to my personal life, I am quite private and selective of who I share things with. Again for fear of judgement, and of knowing whether or not to trust. I have been faced with many situations in life, ones that have tested me, ones where I have been uncomfortable, ones where I have been let down, all of which have led me to hold back.
Nearly three years ago now (I can’t believe it) I decided to take the big plunge and move away. I had obtained a visa that allowed me to work and travel in Canada. As you know, I love to travel and I saw this as an amazing opportunity to experience a new way of life. Canada? You may ask why, but it was one of the countries that offered a simplistic way of working and travelling. Plus, I had been a few times before (I have some family that live out there) so I wasn’t totally blind to it.
I left at the beginning of January 2014 and was propelled into a magnitude of the total unknown. Of course visiting a county is one thing, but bringing your life there and trying to build it is a completely different experience. Firstly, I knew no one, aside from some family members, and a couple of my good friends who had moved out there from London together a few months before on the same visa. Essentially I was building a life for myself – it was me, myself and I against the world of the unknown. Secondly, I moved in January, which was probably the worst time ever to move. It was absolutely freezing, and when I say freezing, I’m talking minus 30 freezing (no exaggeration) it was one of the coldest winters North America had ever experienced, so I had this against me too.
The first thing I remember thinking was, what the hell am I doing here, what the hell have I done.
I spent the first couple of months struggling, it was cold, it was quiet, there were no jobs around, so I spent each day wondering, lonely and trying to get by. I stayed with my family out of town for the first week I had arrived, and then moved to downtown Toronto and lived with my friends for a further two weeks, before moving to an apartment and flat sharing with a wonderful girl called Hilary. In those 3 months it took a while to settle, but as time went on and the weather started to get better, I started to feel slightly more at ease. After 4 months I was due to fly home for a month for a friend’s wedding. About a month before this and 3 months in to my Canadian life, I met someone, who looking back now, probably changed my life. I didn’t move out there intending to meet anyone, I went for the experience and whatever came with it. Probably more so, wanting to find myself.
I became instantly close to this person, and I remember thinking it was all so fast the way I felt so comfortable and at ease with him. It felt very natural, like I didn’t have to try at all – it just flowed, and I had never had this feeling before.
When I came home for the wedding, during the month I was home we spoke everyday, on the phone, texting, and on skype. It was weird, I wasn’t used to it, but he made it very easy and very simple and was very open and honest.
By the time I went back to Canada, I had a job, and I was all of a sudden in a relationship.
At first I wasn’t 100% sure, as I felt like it happened quickly, and I’m sure as most girls know when you’ve been hurt before you are slightly cautious. But I went with it, and we were so close. I lived with him for a few weeks before moving into a new place with an amazing woman called Jas. We still saw each other all the time, I would stay with him, he would stay with me, we were together most of the time. We even travelled around the country together.
I found myself really falling for him. Sounds so cringe, but I was completely in love with him, and I’d never been in love before. We talked about the future, what would happen after my visa was up, the possibility of me moving to Canada for good. That is how life was with him. I was completely over whelmed as this whole experience just wasn’t expected, but that is life.
As my year was coming to an end, things took a huge change and unfortunately, I was completely let down by this person. He had made a mistake. He had cheated. And in that one moment, my experience was turned around. I was completely heartbroken. I didn’t know what to do. I had a month left on my visa, my current job had just finished, so I decided with that, to leave. And just like that I was home. And he had no idea until I had left. And that probably broke him.
After moving back home, I felt lost, numb and completely empty from what had happened, I wasn’t myself for a very long time, but as time went on I started to find my way again.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that this was supposed to happen to me, to help me to deal with situations, to teach me about life, and to help me to grow to be a better person. As hard as it was.
My Canadian experience was an amazing one. I met so many different people, made some good friends, learnt more about life, travelled the country, worked – and all in one year. And although it didn’t end entirely how I had expected, it taught me about the rawness of life. He, taught me more about life. He taught me how to save myself.
I work in a good job now as a Manager for a successful broadcasting company, and although highs and lows come with this job as well, it has taught me so much more than I could have imagined in the past year and a half. How to be more confident, how to deal with certain people, and most of all to just remember the person I am. I have faced a lot of challenges in this job, and at times have felt so overwhelmed with how to cope with the situations that come with it. But the one thing I need to keep remembering is that this is life, and all that comes with it. It’s all part of the journey.
I have the most amazing friends, a supportive family and I’m healthy. Life happens, and when it’s bad, it’s not the end of the world.
I came across this quote a while ago which I think people should take in. When you’re worried, when you’re anxious about the world and the people around you and what they think of you – you just shouldn’t.
Have a lovely weekend everyone.